Libraries!!! Who Knew?

I remember when I was a child going into the library, it was like entering into another world, filled with books and information on almost any subject.  The other thing I remember is that I had to circumvent my natural childhood tendencies and be quiet upon entering those hallowed library doors.  Absolute silence was to be respected on the premises.  And as fun as hide and seek in the stacks could be, catching you at it would place you in library jail, where books go to rot, and rats would eat away at your infested toes.  Well maybe not the books . . .  or the rats . . . or the image of being behind bars.  But they would severely scold you, or you would be removed from the premises expeditiously.  That was the library of my youth.

Many year later, when I was told that there was a library job opening at a local library, and I was thinking transitioning careers, I was curious as to what I would find.  The internet revolution was already underway and hints and rumors of the libraries quick demise were being spread throughout the land faster than fake news, a George Bush malapropism, or a Donald Trump tweet.  We were being told by everyone that we were living in a post library age.  Kids doing research papers were told that they could no longer just use books. (Gasp!!!)  They had to find at least a couple of their resources off of the web.  They were to get them from reputable sources. (Of Course!)  But we were rapidly being moved away from the need for a book. 

And after a few false starts with online book publishing, IPads, Kindles, Nooks, and e-readers galore rapidly replaced the need to have a hard copy of anything.  We were at the dawning of a new digital revolution.  Nothing was going to stand in its path.  And Libraries, an outdated source of information, were going to be among this revolution’s first victims.

As I was beginning my work at the library, the whispers amongst the staff were about whether the library would be able to adapt to this new digital environment and how.  We were the gatekeepers, after all, of the world’s most reliable information. (And for those who think Wikipedia is that source of reputable information, all I have to say is, “Shame! And Unpardonable Shame!!!!”)  Maybe we were a little bit stuck on ourselves, but we had taken years collecting, organizing and managing information, deciphering what was quality versus junk.  (Or Fake News in hard copy for those of you who were born after the year 2000.)  How could we be left out of this new world of information? 

The Library needed to rethink itself.  And so we have.  Not only have we rethought what we are doing, but we have been able to grow in ways that we would never have thought of before.  The Libraries are not just mausoleums for books, where they go to die. (Although I did work for a place as a page once where maybe that was their understated goal.)  Libraries have become vibrant, community centers, welcoming you with opportunities that go far beyond what you may have thought. 

What’s bad, and yes we librarians know this to be true, is that people frequently don’t know the services that we provide to the community.  So in light of our understanding about our marketing weaknesses, here is a list of ten different goods or services that the library provides (going from 10^th to 1^st so be patient for the last one) of which most people are unaware:

10) DVD’s/Movies to checkout – Now I know that some of you know about this, especially if you were an Oprah watcher right around the time of the recession in 2008.  We were a hub for job seekers of all stripes.  But one of the things that Oprah focused on was the large movie collections that we have been able to develop.  These movie collections have only gotten larger and what’s great about them is that they are free.  “FREE???” You ask.  How could anything that awesome be free?  I mean, I pay 10 bucks a month for my Netflix subscription and I get one great movie at a time.  There’s a catch right?  Well, kind of . . .  You are subject to whatever movies that we have in house, unless you want to place a hold for 25 cents.  Twenty-five cents per movie.  So for 10 dollars I could place holds on 40 movies???  I can’t even watch 40 movies per month.  But wait . . .  there’s more!!! You can check out up to 10 movies at a time and renew them for up to 5 times which means you can have 10 movies up to 6 weeks at a time.  Sure you can have that one Netflix movie forever, but would you want to at 10 dollars a month?  You might as well purchase the movie at that price. 

9)  Author Events – I would usually rank this higher.  In fact, it could very easily be rated higher, but this is the thing that the library tries to market about itself the most.  It does go along with the whole theme of the place.  A large repository for books?  It would only seem natural that author’s would go to visit them.  But that wasn’t always the case.  In recent years, many of these authors would go to large chain stores to try to peddle their wares.  Libraries weren’t exactly a hotbed of sales.  The fit between libraries and authors did not seem natural.  But as virtual places like Amazon have taken over the publishing industry by storm as a distributor of materials, authors have needed different venues to reach out to their public.  Libraries have become a more natural fit to these author’s once again.  There have been some pretty amazing author visits to libraries by luminaries such as Ray Bradbury.  But the Orange County Public Library system goes one further in that it showcases 30 or more authors at a time with its Literary Orange event every April.  I know that many other systems are doing similar things, so check your local library for information about author events in your area.

8) Gardening, cooking, or home improvement workshops – Trying to learn how to install systems to collect greywater for usage on your lawn or plants?  Wanting to learn which fauna work best with the kind of weather and soil you have locally?  Want to get tips on the care of Orchids that you always seem to kill off?  Would you be surprised to hear that you might want to take a look at your local library?  Sure, you have all of the books that may discuss all of these issues in detail, and you can read about them to your heart’s content.  But being a more hands on person, I prefer being able to hear from these people who can help you out first hand.  Watching a person make a rain barrel is very different then seeing them online and trying to install one yourself.  (Sure I learned to pick a lock watching a YouTube video, but . . . whatever.)  As far as gardening, I’ve seen tons of gardeners talk about this or that mulch, fertilizer, etc.  But none of them on TV were as good as seeing someone at a Nursery care for a plant.  And if cooking is your passion, watching a chef prepare one of their meals right in front of you and allow you to try it out is a lot better than trying to glean information from the Food Network on TV.  (Nothing wrong with the Food Network.  Alton Brown is my hero as a nerdy science chef!  Just Saying!)  The library is a hotbed of useful instruction!  Tsssss!  (That’s the sizzle.)

7)  Database Offerings – Woah!  I know that the library has those stodgy databases of years past.  Why would I want to go and get on one of those sites?  They are the programs from bygone eras where the graphics barely move and the pixels are more visible than a Super Mario Brothers Video Game.  How can you possibly convince me that you have anything worth viewing on there?  Let’s begin with Ancestry.com.  You know, the website that helps you put together your family history. Oh and then there is Mango Languages, a website that teaches you through various different methodologies to teach you hundreds of different languages, including how to speak like a pirate.  What could be any better than saying arrrrrgh???  Or how about the database Hoopla, with thousands of song titles, movie titles, books, comic books, and magazines, all at the press of a button?  Still not enough?  What about all of those jobs that you have where continuing education units are a perennial requirement?  Through Universal Class, and Lynda these are all just one click away.  Why would you go to all these databases at the library?  I think the real question is, how could you not?

6)  Artist Displays – Whether doing whole exhibits or just a few paintings on the walls, take a look at the art always on display at your local library.  The artist themselves may come out and do a talk, or you will see it displayed along the walls of your local branch.  You will find some hidden gems in there from time to time, and garner an appreciation for the arts and for local artists that communities under appreciate.  Find out who the artist is and make sure to thank them for their display.  Artists are rarely praised gems in every community and it’s important to support people who bring beauty and meaning to our lives.  Check out the local art gallery as well.  They are also quite an underappreciated gem.

5)  Technology Classes – I know that for many, you have faced a job market that is unkind and not very forgiving.  Some of you may have gotten into majors, with very few exceptions, which leave you only qualified to work behind the cash register at a McDonalds.  (Cha-ching!)  Well you were able to get through college in the first place, learning at least a general education curriculum, and having to navigate the world of various learning platforms.  You are qualified to do so much more than McDonalds.  You just need to improve your skills and qualifications for that next job.  Where are you going to go?  Some job seminar?  You feel like one of thousands with very little hope of finding anything to match your skill set.  Instead, you should go to your local library.  Wait, what???  Why would you go there you ask?  Well how about all of the various different technological offerings they provide.  Job seminars, coding classes, Microsoft office classes, app classes, 3D printing instruction, etc. etc. etc.  The list goes on and on.  Each library may have their own specialty, or person at the branch whose specialty may be in a particular area of technology.  But my experience with libraries and librarians is that if they see a need in the community, they fill it.  Libraries have to justify their existence just like any other organization.  How do they do that?  With numbers.  Enough people want any particular class and you will have a library with a technology class in some area that you are interested in.  Go to expand your mind.

4)  Film Screenings – I know some of you may have remembered your local library playing Pippi Longstockings from the Betamax or VHS that the place had on a little TV screen inside the building.  The screenings at your local library go well beyond that today.  Whether hard to find foreign faire that allows you to see films that you would never have seen otherwise, to mainstream movies being showed to family audiences as a local movie night at the library, or film festivals where artists, directors and film historians come out to discuss works and engage with the community about topics that are current and relevant, the library provides it all.  What could be more amazing than that?  Oh yeah, they are no longer making you watch it on a small screen or even a big screen TV.  They are using laser projectors to put these movies out with quality sound systems making you feel like you are watching these movies at a theater with other theater goers.  And if that weren’t enough, refreshments and a discussion often accompany these screenings.  What makes the library amazing?  All those little things that they can add to your everyday life for the cost of . . . wait for it . . . Zero Dollars and Zero Cents.  Does it make much sense not to go?  I don’t think so.

3) Summer Reading Magic – I kept debating where I would put this one.  I struggled with this position mainly because it encompasses so many different things and it’s frequently something that a Library is known for, encouraging children to read.  But if you think that the Summer Reading Program is just about having kids learn how to read, then you have not been to your local library in quite some time.  Aside from the reading, and the prizes, and keeping up your child’s education for the summer, they have a world of magic that needs to be explored.  What do I mean by a world of magic?  Well on some level I literally mean a world of magic.  Libraries often hire performers during the summer, many of which are magicians, to put on shows for the kids.  But wait!  There’s more.  There are dancers, talent show contests, cosplay days, skateboarding demonstrations, caricature artists, painting classes, Lego building, balloon wearing, sky diving, bungee jumping, hang gliding . . . whew!  The list goes on and on and on . . . Ok maybe I went slightly overboard with the hang gliding and bungee jumping but the sky diving is a thing at the library . . . right?  Right?!?  If you haven’t gone to your local library by the end of May to pick a list of activities that they are doing for the summer then you are truly missing out on some spectacular, free, events for yourself and your kids.  And there is a little known secret at many of the branches.  Adults can win summer reading program prizes too.  (Shhh!!! Don’t let anyone else find out about it before you win that IPad.)

2)  Dance/Exercise Classes – Wait What?!?!  A Library is actually going to teach me how to dance???  You have to be kidding me.  Why in the world would the library teach anyone to dance anything?  How could they possibly do that?  And where would they possibly do that?  Well . . . I have to say, have you bothered to check out your libraries community room lately?  When you clear out the tables and chairs Libraries are the perfect place for some dance instruction.  I have seen hip hop, tap, salsa, swing, waltz, and a plethora of various dance styles and music that people have been able to pick up at the library.  And you won’t be able to beat the price anywhere because it’s free.  Well that’s a relative misnomer.  Usually, unless you have someone who is really gracious, there will be some funding through the library itself or from some grant to cover the cost of the instruction.  But it costs you nothing to be able to go in there and pick up a couple of lessons.  Or if dance is not your thing I have seen classes on Tai Chi, Yoga, Zumba and many more.  And what’s great about these classes is that they are not for professionals.  It’s not like the local swing night at some place where they have an hour before the dance for instruction and you are the only person who has never taken a swing class in your life.  It’s a little intimidating to go in there.  Here you are in good company with a bunch of amateurs learning the various different dance moves.  The library is the Planet Fitness equivalent of the judgement free zone.  If you haven’t gone to check it out by now, what are you waiting for???

And finally . . . the number one Library service that you probably have never heard of is . . . Books!  Wait, no . . . not books.  What was it again?  Oh yeah . . .

Even Bears Can Learn How To Read.

1)  How to Events – “Ok . . . ok,” you say.  “I appreciated everything else on your list, but how can you possibly excite me about an event where you learn a bunch of how to things at a library?  That just doesn’t sound very impressive.”  Well . . . I guess it depends on what you mean by impressive.  I suppose this could fit within any of the previous categories, but “How to” events combine the best of what’s in a library.  Think of some of these class offerings: how to pair wine with your meals; how to play the harmonica; how to knit; how to tend your garden; how to create art from your old and musty books; life hacks 101; how to do henna tattoo art; how to do designer nails; how to play the electric guitar; how to make Cuban coffee; how to talk like a pirate; how to build your own space ship out of spare parts and fly it to the moon; etc.  Well maybe you don’t want to fly that space ship to the moon.  That drying machine engine might have a few problems getting you there and the panels off the shingles of your house may burn up a little too easily while reentering earth’s atmosphere . . . but I think you get the point.  There are so many different things you can learn how to do. There are housing interests, safety concerns, hobbies, art, and a million other things that you could learn in life.  The library gives you the opportunity to light the fire of your imagination and consider the world that is out there.  The library is only limited by their own imaginations.  And as any librarian will tell you, their imaginations can run pretty wild.

After reading this list, why would you go to the library?  Well, if you wouldn’t go to the library after reading all this, you would be a pretty boring person indeed.  Or you might be agoraphobic.  And then you need to get a book on the subject and help . . . serious . . . serious help.  But aside from that there seems to be no limit to all the things that you can do and learn at a library.   If you haven’t been recently, you might want to drop on by and see what’s going on there.  The books are not all musty and dust isn’t coming from every corner.  I swear.

If you have other amazing events going on at your local library, I would love to hear about them.  Or if you know another place in your community that is a world of unexpected treasures, I would love to know about them as well.  The Library is my world of unexpected treasures.  And we seem to create more of these treasures every day.  This is me, signing off again.

David Elliott, Single Dad’s Guide to Life 

If you liked my writing, continue to visit me at singledadsguidetolife.wordpress.com

The End of Mr. Murphy. May He Rest in Peace

So there I am . . . staring at the ceiling, just waiting for tomorrow.  Tomorrow. . .  Tomorrow . . .  What was I waiting for again?  That’s right.  I was thinking that tomorrow would go more smoothly.  Oh!  You haven’t read the last two days’ worth of adventures.  Whether movie dates with parents, or Knott’s Berry Farm adventures, the rest of the weekend could not possibly be as crazy.  Feel free to peruse through the last two blogs to find out how I ended up at this moment.

And as I drift off to sleep from this long day, I know that things couldn’t get any worse.  I do keep telling myself that.  So you know you have parents who cannot stop being parents.  They are probably your parents for that matter. 

Who am I kidding?  I know that I’m never going to stop being a parent to my child either.  And I am sure I will be the obnoxious old curmudgeon who tells what it was like in the good old days before smart phones, cell phones, personal computers, televisions that didn’t have a billion channels. . .  Maybe I am doing that already.  Wait a second!!!  That makes me feel old, and it wasn’t that long ago, in relative terms.  Whether you believe in a several billion year-old planet or a 10,000 year-old planet, 40 years is like the blip on a radar screen. 

So these parents have been given a gift.  They have the gift of the screeching voice and bringing chaos to the quiet.  Maybe they got it from all the years that you tormented them growing up.  Maybe someone made them a deal in exchange for something dark and sinister. Whatever the case may be, they have had years of practice disturbing you enough into getting up from a slumber.  This can be through telephone calls or merely yelling loudly from the bottom of the stairs.  They got really good at this during your teen years, and it tapered off since then.  But sometimes they feel like they need to let you know they are still good at it.

Getting called early in the morning out of a dead sleep is one of those times.  (Well maybe not quite dead as you have a child and need to be available for anything.)  So in your death warmed over look you are shocked into alertness, desiring that you should remember that they want to help you get clothes for your daughter that day.  While you are not adverse to this adventure, you do know that your child, at this point, hates to try on clothes.  (Yes you are being tortured for hiding in the clothes racks to avoid trying on clothes when you were a child.)  And it’s not exactly the best way to have an enjoyable day.  But you know it needs to get done, for your daughter, and for your parent.

So after much prodding to get out in the morning, because after two days of crazy you know it’s not going to be easy, you get yourself and child out the door to start your day.  Forget that you may have had plans to do anything else in the morning as it’s been blown up by two days of crazy and you have to unwind.  This is mandatory not only for your sake but for the sake of your over extended child. 

So after attempts at completing your Sunday morning plans, the first stop we took on our detour is to a little Italian lunch place called Lascari’s.  I remember the amazing hot ham and cheese sandwiches that I had there when I was growing up, and I wanted something light. (Ham and cheese light?  It's lighter than pizza so there!)   But when I get there and look at the menu, they have a free child meal with the purchase of an adult meal on Sunday.  To get the deal, a sandwich is not going to cut it, but things have to be looking up because of the free meal.  It’s only right that things have got to be getting better.  And the meal is amazing.  Not only is the Lobster Ravioli I purchased well worth the price, my daughter ravaged her spaghetti and Meatballs.  I expected to see a half eaten plate.  There was not a noodle left to be seen.  I was half expecting snarling sounds from the other end of the table.

Then we go to the store to purchase something to make for dinner, which again goes smoothly.  Afterwards, we wait around for my parents to get home to be able to get the money and go to the store for clothes shopping.  My parents, whose promptness in the morning woke us earlier than we were ready, made sure that they were not quite as prompt on the way back.  They were two hours late.  On most weekends this wouldn’t be that much of a problem.  On the Sunday evening before I take my daughter back to school the next morning, it’s drama.

First, every parent has rituals that they practice with their kids.  Whether it’s prayer before a meal, or taking a shower and combing out hair at night, you have something you do to establish some kind of a schedule for your kids.  It’s good to give them something to count on.  Making us get to a clothing store at 5:00 P.M. on a Sunday evening and try on a bunch of clothes is like an atom bomb to the schedule.  (And it’s not exactly like we have been following the schedule this weekend as it is.)  At 6:00 is dinner, 7:00 is shower.  8:00 is watching a TV show while I comb out her hair.  8:45 is brushing her teeth and taking any medication she needs.   And 9:00 is bedtime. 

Now I admit that we fudge on that schedule from time to time.  There are things that throw you off.  But if you are trying to get clothing that you want your child to try on that makes it so you don’t get home until 6:30 in the evening, and you haven’t even started to make your dinner, things are not going your way.  And of course to try to explain this to your parent, whose sole purpose for this misadventure was to get your daughter to try on the clothing rather than just purchasing it and never trying it on, is a non-starter.  So we go to the store.

I had counted on a friend of mine who works at this clothing store to be there, but was not.  Thankfully we found a helpful female sales associate to get some clothes my daughter would appreciate for someone her size.  She’s that fun size which is every dad’s nightmare.  Everyone wants their child to be tall.  Being short leaves you opportunity to be bullied and picked on, even as a female.  Tallness is great, until the moment just before your child reaches that magical stage called puberty.  It’s not at puberty that is the problem with clothing.  At least then they are filling out the clothes the stores have designed.  It’s just before that with your taller child that there is a problem.  They are too tall to be wearing the kids’ sizes, even in the extra-large category.  Their height makes it so that they need to wear something in the women’s size, even as large as a medium.  But by the time you reach a medium in women’s clothing, they expect you to have a bust.  A ten year old usually does not.  And if they did, it would be a whole other problem.

I would go into details about what happened next, but I am going to spare my daughter and myself the embarrassment.  I am sure as a parent that you can understand all of the fun things that could possibly happen in a clothing changing area.  Thankfully the sales associate was very good about it all and we were able to get some clothing.  The hard thing was to actually pay for the women’s clothing and realizing how little you were getting for how much.  One size smaller in the kids section and the clothes would be relatively cheap.  But by the time you paying for adult clothing, you can forget it.  Ah the advantages of growing up!

On the drive home I am sitting listening to my daughter explain to me about the benefits of shopping at Target, which may not be as good as she thinks but certainly has been good to us.  I’m trying to explain to her why my mother wanted us to shop where she wanted us to shop.  It really would have been alright had my friend, who my daughter knows and trusts, been there to help us with the clothes.  But there is nothing I can do about that now.  And my head is spinning with all that needs to get done before I get my daughter to bed. 

It’s all one big blur from there.  Get in the shower.  Get your night clothes on.  Choose some things you want to wear in the morning.  Get your stuff together in the morning to get packed.  Find your medicine.  It’s one command after another as my daughter winds down from the wild and crazy weekend.  I’m getting the dinner prepared and having her eat it while I get mine ready and sit down to eat with her.  After we finish, my daughter is working on a puzzle with Rapunzel as I comb out her hair and she watches a little TV.  That is followed by me giving her medication and then getting her into bed.  Usually, I let her watch about 20 minutes of TV in her room before calling it a night, but tonight we cannot find the channel changers for her TV.  Of course!  So she lies back and gets herself under her "quilty" as she relaxes herself in bed.

I don’t know whether any of you father’s do this but my daughter likes me to be there until she can fall asleep.  I know that this is changing very soon, and has already begun to change.  But for now she appreciates that.  So I’m lying on the floor waiting for her breaths to slow and even possibly to hear a little snore before I pick myself off the bedroom carpet and head back to my room. 

My day is finished!  My weekend is finished!  I am finished!  Well not quite . . . I do have to get her up for school the next morning, and I am wiped out by the entire weekend.  But I still wouldn’t have missed a moment of it.  I’m already missing her by the middle of Monday, and of course this is Wednesday as I type up these last words on the page and I am missing her already.

But the moral?  The thing I promised you a couple of days ago and haven’t told you yet…  What is the moral?  Let me see.   What I will tell you is this.  We get so busy in our lives that we rarely take the time to engage with our kids.  And while I was the most exhausted parent, sleepwalking through my Monday, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything else.  Yes, dads, it is important to give your kids structure.  And it is essential that you help them develop the habits that will make them successful as adults.  But we cannot do this from the front seat of a car, or two minutes before bed time with that good night kiss.  We develop those relationships through time and effort.  Whether this means going on a long road trip, camping out in the stars under the beach, or planning a wild and crazy weekend where you barely have time to take a breath, we establish those connections to aid our kidswhen they really need us.  And as a single parent, it’s even more important with the little time we have to build those bridges with our kids.  That way when they talk about Lexington and Concord (the city and not the jelly), or their friend at school who has stopped talking to them, or even their dreams about what they want to do when they grow up, you can speak into their lives in a meaningful way that they will appreciate.  So my answer is just do it!  And don’t forget the energy drink on Monday!

Would love to hear about your crazy weekends.  This is me signing off.

David Elliott, Single Dad’s Guide to Life

If you like my writing, continue to check in my blog at the new location. singledadsguidetolife.wordpress.com

The Weekend Blitz - Or Just Call Me Mr. Murphy

I cannot speak for everyone, but for all of the single parents out there, when the weekend comes, you try to fit in all the engagement you can with your child that you missed out on during the week. Maybe it's the same for married parents too.  You remember the last week don't you? It was when you had separate meal times, irregular sleep times and you were lucky if you got to kiss your child goodnight before they went to sleep. When you are the working parent, there is so much that you miss out on. So the weekend comes and you want to participate again.

The first thing you do, if you are a parent like me, is go out to dinner on Friday evening, or better yet, dinner and a movie. So this weekend I had the bright idea of going to see Dr. Strange with my parents. If you are a comic book fan then you should go, or a movie fan for that matter. And if you are a Sherlock fan and haven't gone I'm going to ask, what's wrong with you? It's definitely worth watching, and a must see for those invested in the Marvel Comic movie universe. So going at 6:00   P.M. to a movie should be just fine, right? There will be no problems there.

Sure!!! Out by 8:30 P.M. should be fine, when you thought this through and ate dinner beforehand. But you didn't. Because, you know, the weekend.  And then you go to dinner with your parents who move a little more slowly than they once did so you are lucky to be seated and eating by nine.  And then by the time you finish eating it's 10, and home by 10:15. Change of clothes, get some medicine, and off to bed. Easy peasy! Because you are the cool parent and you can flex a little on weekends.

But me . . . brilliant me . . . forgets that after that I am all wound up and I'm supposed to be in bed because I have plans for tomorrow, bigger ones. I'm a glutton for torture and I want to go to sleep at 1:00 A. M. because I want to go to Knott's with no sleep the next day. Oh did I forget to mention that? That's right! I planned to go to Knott's Berry Farm the next day because, you know, torture.

It's a little more complicated than that. This is the first weekend I've had my daughter in three weeks because of a weekend swap. My daughter seems to have the most energy she has had since mid-October.  And, last but not least, I've paid for a meal plan at Knott's so we get two free meals a day with our passes.  So I'm going because ... that's right... free food.

So a normal parent would sleep in a bit because they could, but I'm working on this writing thing, so I'm up early. Not 8:30 in the morning early. Up with the roosters early. And I'm writing and working, getting up and getting ready, corralling  my daughter out of bed and moving her towards the door like a sheep dog, all the while making sure everything is packed for the day.

I remembered all kinds of things like liquids, medicines, and jackets when it gets cold because I'm on top of things. We get in the car and then get some breakfast. (Knott's doesn't include breakfast in their meal plan. Support your local boycott. I mean go Knott's!!! They have an incredible meal plan. It's actually quite a deal so I'm not complaining.)

Now at Breakfast I am regaled with stories of the last three weeks, which I believe to be the point of what every time with my daughter is. I'm getting to find out about her. There is some great conversation going on. My daughter begins with construction and the leaning tower of Pisa, or jelly and creamer. She then gives me a detailed description of the battle of Lexington and Concord (with Concord Grape Jelly of course) which I had forgotten because I'm obviously not smarter than a 5th grader. And then I talk about my favorite time in American History, the Civil War and the Gettysburg Address.

Things are going well. We park relatively easily. Getting into the park goes smoothly. I've also purchased a bottle of all you can drink drinks for the year at the park.  We start going to all the shows, and to Ghost Town because we are strange like that. It really was a history day.

I'm thinking that this is going swimmingly. My daughter wants to go to the Wild West Stunt Show. I'm thinking this should be great because it's supposed to be a brand new show.  Instead I should have thought to knock on all the wood in Ghost Town and I'm still not sure if it would have fixed the problem.

My daughter wanted to sit in the splash zone. If you have never been to an amusement park, the splash zone is the place you know you will get wet. But at Knott's Berry Farm it means you get sun, even on a day that reaches barely 68 degrees.  (I realize the word barely here might offend people who get actual weather, but as I'm a California boy, I don't.)

It is at this point I realize that I have remembered everything, except sunscreen.

So sitting here after baking for 15 minutes we get splashed. But the splashing is like a taunt because it doesn't happen again for another 15 minutes. The show is cute, and slightly different, with mostly the same stunts as before. And as we are leaving we both agree we want a cool drink, shade, and air conditioning. But Knott's seems to be anti air conditioning. Because California I guess. I suppose we    aren't Arizona and it wasn't exactly a hot day but . . .

So we go to use the meal plan at a place we can get shakes and that I hope has air conditioning. (It doesn't.) We get in line for food as I notice the flush in my daughters cheeks and her need to sit down. Could there be any available tables? Well... what can I say? Just call me Murphy.

Right now I'm going to interrupt this regularly scheduled blog to say a shout out now to whatever family gave up their booth for my daughter to sit down in. It was gracious of you. Thank you, whoever you are.

We eat our food and decide to do more cool things from here on out.  This includes walking and window shopping as well as being in a school play of Robin Hood (my daughter was Robin Hood with a fetching Maid Marion).  And finally it meant Big Foot Rapids ... when it had started to get cold. Big Foot Rapids, the ride that has signs stating: "You will get wet. You may get drenched." Perfect!

The line wasn't too long but the temperature was falling rapidly so as we were getting splashed, it was 15 degrees cooler than it had been when we entered the line. Hence the water that was splashing on us was refreshing, for Polar Bears.

Thankfully my daughter avoided most of the water. I cannot say the same for myself.  But we made it through. And with a little more wasting time at the schoolhouse we made it to Krazy Kirk and the Hillbillies.

Who is Krazy Kirk you ask?  Krazy Kirk is a bluegrass band with a ton of talent and a dash of comedy. Maybe a little more than a dash. And on a cool evening like this it was a packed house inside the Bird Cage theater.  They gave one of their typical amazing shows and we left the park.

So the weekend was perfect. Almost perfect. A little imperfect. You are complaining that I skipped something and that the ending was rushed? I guess you will have to come back tomorrow as I finish the tale. This is me, signing off.

David Elliott, Single Dad's Guide to Life

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What I'm Afraid of - Or How NASCAR and an Alien Invasion Wrecked My Life

What I'm afraid of ...

Being afraid is not an easy thing. It causes one to hide away from the world, or to do nothing at all. I think many people are afraid of so many different things that their idea is to hide away, from places, from people, and ultimately from themselves. Some people are so afraid of everything that they are agoraphobic. They lock themselves inside four walls. The scary thing is that they are locked within their own minds, let alone the four walls.

As a guy I think it often gets worse.  We are supposed to be the ones without fear. Which means that if the previous 30 other jobs turned us down, we still have to believe we will get the 31st. Or if we have been rejected by the previous 49 women, we are supposed to be totally secure and go out there flirting with the 50th without any insecurity or fear.  It also means we have to be the brave ones and step out when the robber goes into our home.

Let me state that I am not a person trying to argue against these things. I'm not saying a guy shouldn't have confidence about himself and his capabilities. And a guy should be secure in himself to take rejection. I also think the guy should be the person prepared to defend himself and his family from whatever may come their way. But these things that may be true do not necessarily mean that I have no fear.  Likewise, the fact that I have fear does not mean that I need to go Stuart Smalley and stare at a mirror repeating the mantra, "I'm good enough. I'm strong enough. And doggone it, people like me."

Real Fears

So what do I fear? I fear first and foremost for my daughter. Yes, I fear about her safety.  And after having to be in hospitals and doctors offices for more times than I would like to admit, I fear about her health as well. But those are obvious ones. It's the harder things to see that scare me.
 As a single father, I fear that our relationship has been damaged and in some ways continues to be damaged.  I fear that  I have been set up for failure in that regard. (I take full responsibility for any actions I do. It's just hard when it feels like the other parent in your child's life puts up barriers to that relationship.). I don't want to lose a relationship that is deeply important to me.

Furthermore, I fear that our stunted relationship will make it harder for her to have relationships with other men in the future. (This has nothing to do with her sexuality and everything to do with half the population being men and her needing to be able to relate to them.  Then again I'm a Martian according to popular opinion, so what do I know?)   I also fear that whomever my daughter loves, this damage will make it harder to commit, and to fully give herself to loving another human being. I fear that she will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I fear that my daughter's opportunities will be limited by the failures of her parents.  I know that ultimately her success or failure will be of her own making. But I do fear that I am putting road blocks for her success later in life. She may be the one who is ultimately at the wheel of her life's opportunities, but she may have had a shoddy mechanic working on her engine out of the starting gate.  (I never thought I would use a NASCAR reference so be afraid. Be very afraid!)

I fear that I haven't provided enough for her financially speaking.  I worry that she has missed out on some amazing opportunities because of me.  It makes me wonder whether I should have taken that second job, or driven for Uber, or sold some of the things that I valued but still found their way into an attic, or some drawer.  I want so much more for my daughter than she can possibly imagine and I fear I have come up short.

Personal Fears

Beyond my daughters happiness I fear that I won't take advantage of the opportunities that are given me. Whether you believe in God or not, I remember hearing a service where the speaker talked about a dream she had.  In it, she was in heaven and God took her down to a warehouse of unopened gifts that she saw. There were tons of exquisitely wrapped gifts everywhere, and names next to all of them. She asked God what the unopened gifts were and why weren't they given out?  God told her that those were all the blessings that were available to people should they be ready for them, but they missed out because they chose a different path.  That idea stuck with me. There could be all these amazing things in store if I were just ready to reach out and grab them when they came along.

I know none of us want to admit this as parents. But a big fear of ours is what happens when our children grow up and leave. Whether we want to admit it or not, there has been a big fracturing of society. People grow up and go far away from where they came. They may love their parents but they move on with their lives and love you from afar.  I fear what this looks like. Skype is not contact. And being on Facebook, despite meeting some amazing people, is not a replacement for friendship and one on one connection.  In fact, studies have shown that Facebook makes you more depressed about the things your aren't doing or the places you aren't going. And at this point, with all the politics on Facebook, it is making me depressed watching friendships be thrown away and contacts severed. (I promise to avoid politics on this blog as much as I can. As much as I believe in things, I love people more. And I find them a much more life affirming topic of conversation.)

I fear watching another person slowly withering away from cancer as it first eats away at their body, then their mind, and finally their soul. I have watched my former brother-in-law slowly die from cancer.  It was eight months of agony. It was round the clock watches, mind losing outbursts, and heart attack inducing stress. I would never not be there for a person who had it. But I have seen its devastating effects. I wish for you all that it never happens to you.

These Are Fears Too . . . . I Swear!!!

I fear killer clowns coming down from outer space. I fear millions of poisonous spiders crawling down ceilings and invading a bedroom and a planet near you. I fear Irritable Bowl Syndrome, because, you know, ewww! I fear that cats will figure out a way to take out the dogs from the planet, leaving us without any more dogs to cuddle with. I fear aliens coming down from outer space who will be out to harvest the resources of the planet, which will cause us to wear tin foil hats to protect us from their mind control powers. Because I just don't look good in a tin foil hat. I fear losing control of this blog to a bunch of crazy irrational fears that I made up from movies. (I think this paragraph belongs in some blog... any blog... somewhere.) Ah yes... fear, real fear. That's right.

The Ultimate Fear

And ultimately in a moment of quiet silence and meditation, I admit that I fear being alone.  This fear I think is by far the most dangerous fear. It makes us do crazy stupid stuff. For men and women it makes us act as if sex is a replacement for intimacy.  We want the intimacy so bad we give away a piece of ourselves to get it with no compensation in return, except hurt feelings. We accept less than what we deserve because we get convinced we believe that we deserve what we get. (This is not an advocation for divorce but a challenge for those living in an abusive situation that you should get out.  And please speak to someone to get help.)  We constantly put ourselves in dangerous situations because we feed off the high from the attention be get. But it's like trying to have a meal with all carbs. Sure the bread may taste good and give you immediate energy but you burn out fast and it's ultimately empty calories. I wish I could say I had done none of that stuff. I wish I could say that I had only made good choices. But that is another persons story. That is another man's life.

What To Do With Fear

So is fear evil? Should I simply trash the fear and move on with life as if it didn't exist? Can I go out into a hurricane and hope the rain and crazy winds will drive away the fear? (I do not advocate doing that at home, or anywhere else for that matter. However, no one will call you fearful. Crazy maybe. I may introduce you to a nice new room with four white walls and pads.) No. No. And what are you? Nuts?!?!

I think fear is in us as a motivator. Fear failure? Do everything to succeed! Fear loss? Spend every moment like it's your last. Fear loneliness? Love freely as the right person will love you back. Fear boredom? Seek adventure. Fear mountain climbing? Go bungee jumping. Wait no! Don't do that. Sky diving. That's it! Sky diving.

What I can say about fear is don't try to rationalize it. We have fears. Some fears are irrational. And some fears are self perpetuating. Just make fear your slave. Use it. Don't let it become your master.

Ok let's avoid becoming Confucius. Or Taoist. Or Buddhist. Or even Dudeist. (Have to pay my respects to "The Dude") I don't have simple answers. And I'm sure I have just as many questions. What I can say is I fear stuff. But each day I'm going doing something about it.  Let me know about some of your fears, rational or otherwise. Because fear of the number 13 is a real thing you know! Ok, this is me again, signing off.

David Elliott, Single Dad's Guide to Life

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To Eat Pizza, Or Not to Eat Pizza? Is That Even a Question?

Rances : The Only Way to Eat Pizza

Spending my usual Wednesday evening with my child (especially because I hate doing the same thing over and over again) can be quite a challenge.  I have cycled through a list of restaurants that we both like and have moved on to hopping to more obscure things.  That doesn’t mean we can’t go back to these other restaurants ever, but I love my Wednesday daddy daughter date night to be something different and original.  Someday I am hoping that my daughter actually expresses an opinion about it all and we will run off to some out of the way place that’s new to me. Until that day happens, I am the idea man.

So what’s the menu for this week’s idea?  Pizza.  Ok, I hear the moans from the moms coming through computer screen now.  And maybe I feel a few fist bumps through the computer screens for dad.  But you haven’t had this pizza.  This pizza is Chicago style deep dish pan pizza.  And where is this pizza at?  It’s in the city of Costa Mesa on Harbor Blvd. called Rances.

My Limited Pizza Experience

To give you the setup you have to understand my experience with pizza.  Out here in California you have the crappy pizza places that serve generic pizza and crust.  If you are being extra healthy then someone will suggest that you get the thin crust pizza, which is the equivalent of pizza toppings on a cracker.  Also, competing in this new market place are all of the make your own pizza places such as Pieology, Rev Pizza and the Blaze.  At those places the deal is all about the kinds of toppings you can put on your pizza and not the crust, unless you are gluten sensitive, and then they do carry that option.

But my first experience with Chicago style pan pizza came when I attended UC Berkeley.  At Berkeley there were a myriad of options available, and as the typical college student you were looking for whatever was the most convenient and the most available.  You could get pizza selections from Blondie’s pizza, or another variant across the street.  Most of those places closed at around 1:30 in the morning so they were convenient.  I didn’t need to worry about another place.  Despite my being content with the selection of pizzas that were available, I had college roommates who kept insisting that I needed to try Zachary’s pizza.

I resisted for several months as it was a long walk down College Ave., and we hadn’t been given bus passes yet.  But after a few months, some of my dorm mates prevailed upon me to go.  One person had a car in the neighborhood, which was a rarity.  So we packed into the vehicle and took off down College Ave. to our destination.  Little did I know what I was going to find there.

Zachary’s Here I Come

We pulled up to the place after circling around to find a good place to park.  (You think parking in L.A. is bad?  You are living in a dream by comparison.)  We got out of the car and were informed that it was going to take 45 minutes to get seated.  45 MINUTES!?!?  Were they crazy???  Who in their right mind was going to wait 45 minutes to be seated at a pizza parlor?  I don’t know about your experience, but everywhere I went for pizza it was pretty much open seating.  It wasn’t only that you didn’t have to wait.  They let you sit wherever you wanted.  I had a million things running through my mind at that moment, including getting a beer at Ye Old’ Ship.  But sitting 45 minutes for anything, unless it came down from heaven on a platter, was not one of them.

We sat around talking about what we were going to do.  They said we could order our pizza and it would be ready about the time our table was ready.  Maybe I had lived in America too long.  I wanted things; and I wanted them right away.  Speed of service is as important to me as quality of service and customer care.  But after months and months of prodding, I wasn’t going to back out now.  So we ordered a simple Pepperoni Pizza.  Now at Zachary’s, if any of you have been there, there are a ton of different toppings to choose from.  So for those vegetarian lover’s out there, do not be alarmed.  I am just not among your ranks.  I do not know many starving male college students who are for that matter.  (Dorm food was scary.  Some people speak about a freshman 15.  I think I lost 15 pounds those first few months from lack of nutrition.)

Chicago Style Pan Pizza is Pizza Pie

I was disabused of that “simple” term the moment we finally sat down and they started serving out a slice of pizza.  I don’t know many of you who have had “supposed” deep dish pizzas at places like BJ’s.   That’s a jumbled mess of I don’t know what to call it.  So what do I call Zachary’s? What I will say is that the first time I finally convinced my ex to go to Zachary’s she commented: “I never knew what they meant by a pizza pie before until this very moment.  I will never look at another pizza the same way again.”

What is on this pizza?  Pixiedust?  Magic? Some wonder drug (the coca cola of pizzas)?  All I can say is that the pizza is delicate and amazing with a crust that is firm and tasty (without feeling like you are eating cardboard). It contained layer upon layer of cheese with pepperoni tucked in the middle of it.  And rich, juicy, diced tomatoes were sumptuous as if they had been picked and diced right out of someone's back yard.  The crust is pressed against the side of the pan so it has this pie like design and the cheese, pepperoni and tomato go all the way up to the top of the crust on all sides. Pizza Pie accurately describes what they handed to us.  Now this wouldn’t be very good if the ingredients were not also amazing, but they were.  Everything was fresh and the service was wonderful.  45 minutes?  We would have waited for hours to get a pizza like this.  When we were finished we didn’t know what we would do for an encore.

So there we stood, stuffed like you cannot imagine on barely a slice or two of pizza, wondering what the heck had just happened.  Why had we waited months to go out to this place?  How come most of us had only vaguely heard of Chicago style pan pizza before?  We had all had New York thin crust pizza that you had to roll just to prevent it from going all over the place.  But this was exquisite.  Why were there no pizza places like this in Southern California, as many of us had come from there?  We all said we should start a business down there like that and that it would make a ton of money.  But no one ever did anything.

Back in Health Conscious Southern California

When I graduated from Berkeley and moved back down to Southern California, I knew I would never look at pizza the same way.  Sure, I would try the new pizza place that would come around every now and then.  And yes I was excited to try the cracker pizza with the myriad of toppings at places like the Blaze.  (I actually love the fact that they have a ton of toppings at choose your own pizza places.)  But I was never going to see a place like this in a “health conscious” place like southern California again.  And all I could do was sigh.

One day, while coming back from dropping my daughter off at school I saw a new restaurant on the side of the road.  It was tucked in the shopping center, so I knew it wasn’t going to be a huge place, but decently sized.  I read the sign and it said Rances, Chicago style pan pizza.  My jaw dropped.  I was at once nervous and hopeful, and at the same time I was sure that they would screw it up just like other local placed who claimed to serve pan pizza.  I didn’t go right away, convincing myself that it couldn’t possibly be as good as Zachary’s.  I waited . . . for months.  But staring at the sign day after day, knowing it was there, I finally summoned the courage to go in and order a pizza.

Rances at Last

My ex had finally had Zachary’s after years of prodding so when we finally convinced ourselves to go up to the door of the Rances, we were very unsure of what we were going to be getting.  It was a relatively empty afternoon and a line of tables was in the place that were mostly unfilled as we stood there.

A girl behind the counter asked, “Would you like to dine in or take out?”

“Dine In,” my ex and I stated as our daughter stood by our side.

“Take a seat over there but it’s going to take about 45 minutes for your pizza to be ready.  You might want to order and come back in a bit.”

My ex and I looked at each other and smiled.  It was the first sign that maybe, just maybe, this might be good pizza. We ordered a pizza and then went to Target, one of my daughter’s favorite stores to shop, while we waited for the pizza to be ready.  A little window shopping and a half hour later we came back to be seated and get drinks as we waited for the pizza to come.  In a little under 15 minutes they came back with our order ready.

We could see the steam from the diced tomatoes and oozing melted cheese as the magnificent smell wafted towards us. It looked very much like Zachary’s pizza, but the key was the taste. One cautious bite in my mouth later, and I knew any fears were far removed from me.  Not only did this have the same spectacular flavor, but the crust was sturdy and yet light, almost like a fluffy pastry.  It was an explosion of flavor in the mouth.  We knew we had found the Southern California equivalent to Zachary’s.  (I can argue whether Zachary’s or Rances is better another time.) 

A Word of Caution for Those Nervous About Health

Rances is for when you want PIZZA, not some faux excuse for flat bread and pepperoni.  I’m sure that you can have Stauffer’s flatbread pizza at home every night of the week.  But when you want the sense that you have had something original, and amazing, then Rances blows away the pizza competition. 

Rances, however, is not health food.  Yes, there is a ton of cheese and tomatoes and bread with every slice of pizza.  I would not try to diet on it like that one unnamed spokesman did at Subway.  (Yes, I know his name.  But no, he doesn’t deserve any attention.)  In fact, if you can get more than a slice in your mouth for the meal I would be surprised.  More than two slices and I might faint from shock.  One slice is a lot of food and they often have a lunch special with a slice and a salad.  It makes a great lunchtime meal.  Also, the cholesterol from daily usage would most certainly put you in a grave. 

Chicago style pan pizza is not fast food either.  I would recommend calling and ordering in advance of your arrival if you can decide on what you want ahead of time.  Other than that, enjoy the multi-screened ambiance of the venue while you wait for the pizza magic to arrive.  There are a few appetizers or a good salad that you might split before the pizza comes.  It's also a great time to talk with your little one if you are a dad on a midweek date. 

Consider Rances when you get that pizza craving.  Its not something you do every day. But for a once in a while treat of amazing pizza that melts in your mouth and makes your taste bud’s sing, no one does it better in Southern California than Rances’ Pizza, on the corner of Baker and Harbor in Costa Mesa.

For those of you who disagree, great, I would love to know about more amazing pizza places in the southern California area.  Like I said, I’m all about variety so drop me a message at the bottom.  (Even if they are out of town joints, I like to know about places I can go to when I travel.)  And don’t limit it to pizza places either.  I’m a man on a mission when it comes to trying unique good food and sharing that experience with my daughter.  And until next time . . . this is me signing off.

David Elliott, Single Dad’s Guide to Life

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A Parents Best Friend - Or How An Oreo Saved Me

How in the world could one get a dog at a time like this?  I suppose that's what I could have been asking myself one year before I split from my daughters mother. Bringing another living being into a situation where there are two warring parents isn't something one would consider healthy, or natural.

Now I have to say that I didn't make the choice to do this. I merely received a text on my phone with a picture of a dog. Oreo was his name. And while he was very cute and was a terrier like another amazing dog I had as a child, I was concerned we wouldn't be able to take care of him.

We had tried to adopt a dog from a shelter when my daughter was a baby but that was a wreck. Not only could I not care for him, but my ex was preoccupied with our baby.  I know our child had gotten older but was it old enough to take care of him or would we ignore him much as we did our other pet?

I would love to say that my fears were unwarranted but packing up the family home from the split revealed some big things. First was that Oreo had been hiding things all around the house. (I admit that there were some hoarding issues that contributed to this problem.) But the second thing was that despite my questioning whether we were allowed to have a dog in the apartment, the landlord came and disabused me of this fact shortly before the split.

But even then I would say that Oreo has been worth it.

How could that possibly be?  Why would I say such a thing? And how was I going to handle everything even the splitting of the dog?

Well much to my happiness the dog came with me. She couldn't bring the dog with her as she wasn't going somewhere she could. Thankfully I found a place I could have the dog. Because I didn't realize how much he would mean to all kinds of people.

First, he was able to sense my emotions when I was dealing with the split. This is a pretty amazing ability. I know that animals can sense all sorts of things. And for the most part, cats, even if they can sense your pain, do not care. But dogs, they seem to know what you are feeling, and know what you need. When I was in pain or feeling lost, he made sure I knew I wasn't alone. And that someone cared about me, and relied on me. During that difficult time, it was invaluable.

Second, he helped my daughter overcome all kinds of fears. Maybe some of those fears were dealing with other dogs, which she was afraid of beforehand (the subject of another blog), but he made her feel confident around them. It's possible that it was too confident that she would walk straight up to pit bulls. Eventually she learned that dogs can be good or bad, just like people, and reacted accordingly.

Third, he helped my dad overcome his own loss and disability. Oreo, despite his size was able to help my dad deal with the loss of his own dog, and when he would be with him he also helped him when he was dealing with difficulties through a car accident, trying to help out wherever he could. Maybe he wasn't a seeing eye dog but he was always looking out for him and protecting him in any way he could.

Finally, he just brings joy to every day that he is in.  Whether it's wanting to snuggle with you as you are trying to get up in the morning, or the seeing you off to work as he takes his pets but looks depressed that you are leaving, to his ecstatic return when you come back to the house in the evening, he's a ray of joy.  It's hard to be upset when you are enthusiastically being greeted. And even if you are upset he can sense that too and react accordingly with cuddles and love.

Would I have chosen to get a dog when we did?  Did I think bringing someone into the house was good when things were dark already? The answer would be no. But would I bring Oreo into our lives again? Absolutely. I can't imagine a world without him.

David Elliott,  Single Dad's Guide to Life

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