A Parents Best Friend - Or How An Oreo Saved Me

How in the world could one get a dog at a time like this?  I suppose that's what I could have been asking myself one year before I split from my daughters mother. Bringing another living being into a situation where there are two warring parents isn't something one would consider healthy, or natural.

Now I have to say that I didn't make the choice to do this. I merely received a text on my phone with a picture of a dog. Oreo was his name. And while he was very cute and was a terrier like another amazing dog I had as a child, I was concerned we wouldn't be able to take care of him.

We had tried to adopt a dog from a shelter when my daughter was a baby but that was a wreck. Not only could I not care for him, but my ex was preoccupied with our baby.  I know our child had gotten older but was it old enough to take care of him or would we ignore him much as we did our other pet?

I would love to say that my fears were unwarranted but packing up the family home from the split revealed some big things. First was that Oreo had been hiding things all around the house. (I admit that there were some hoarding issues that contributed to this problem.) But the second thing was that despite my questioning whether we were allowed to have a dog in the apartment, the landlord came and disabused me of this fact shortly before the split.

But even then I would say that Oreo has been worth it.

How could that possibly be?  Why would I say such a thing? And how was I going to handle everything even the splitting of the dog?

Well much to my happiness the dog came with me. She couldn't bring the dog with her as she wasn't going somewhere she could. Thankfully I found a place I could have the dog. Because I didn't realize how much he would mean to all kinds of people.

First, he was able to sense my emotions when I was dealing with the split. This is a pretty amazing ability. I know that animals can sense all sorts of things. And for the most part, cats, even if they can sense your pain, do not care. But dogs, they seem to know what you are feeling, and know what you need. When I was in pain or feeling lost, he made sure I knew I wasn't alone. And that someone cared about me, and relied on me. During that difficult time, it was invaluable.

Second, he helped my daughter overcome all kinds of fears. Maybe some of those fears were dealing with other dogs, which she was afraid of beforehand (the subject of another blog), but he made her feel confident around them. It's possible that it was too confident that she would walk straight up to pit bulls. Eventually she learned that dogs can be good or bad, just like people, and reacted accordingly.

Third, he helped my dad overcome his own loss and disability. Oreo, despite his size was able to help my dad deal with the loss of his own dog, and when he would be with him he also helped him when he was dealing with difficulties through a car accident, trying to help out wherever he could. Maybe he wasn't a seeing eye dog but he was always looking out for him and protecting him in any way he could.

Finally, he just brings joy to every day that he is in.  Whether it's wanting to snuggle with you as you are trying to get up in the morning, or the seeing you off to work as he takes his pets but looks depressed that you are leaving, to his ecstatic return when you come back to the house in the evening, he's a ray of joy.  It's hard to be upset when you are enthusiastically being greeted. And even if you are upset he can sense that too and react accordingly with cuddles and love.

Would I have chosen to get a dog when we did?  Did I think bringing someone into the house was good when things were dark already? The answer would be no. But would I bring Oreo into our lives again? Absolutely. I can't imagine a world without him.

David Elliott,  Single Dad's Guide to Life

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Blustery days and the Top Ten ways to make indoor magic

As an adult, it is easier to take the rain of a blustery day than our children counterparts.  We could always use that extra nap or hour of sleep we missed some day during the week.  And when it’s rainy out, we don’t have to worry about what’s going on outside our doors when everyone stays in.  Of course this does not mean that we turn a blind eye to what may be happening in our own home.  We just have to wait for the house to get “disturbingly quiet” and then we know that something is dangerously wrong.  (Disturbingly quiet is an oxymoron with which parents are frequently confronted.)  So we have to find ways to come up with creative things to do with our kids.  No turning on the TV or putting on Netflix all day will suffice.  It will not hold the children’s interest for long, especially when you have day after day of bad weather.  (Being a Southern California person I understand the rest of the world is giving me eye rolls, but bad weather does happen for two or more days in a row . .. sometimes . . . I swear!!!)



And speaking as a single dad, I also know that engagement is such an important thing with the little time that we do have with our children.  It is why I know that when I have my daughter I want to get out of the house and do something.  Getting out and away from the house and the TV means that my daughter actually has to talk to me.  (Yes, talking to our kids is a good thing, even about scary topics that we don’t want to mention like Donald Trump, or what kind of hair style we were wearing in the 80’s.) So what things are there to do when it’s a rainy, or even a snowy day and the kids are stuck indoors?  This may be another top ten list, but I hope many people add on to this list as I am always looking for unique things to do.  I would love to know what fun and inventive things others do amidst the gloomy weather outside.

#1  -  Puzzling.  Ummmmmm….. is puzzling even a word?  I didn’t think it was until this last week when I put up pictures of a puzzle I was working on with my daughter and friends of mine asked whether I was “puzzling.”  They said they would love to be puzzling with me.  I am hoping that this meant that they wanted to engage with me over a puzzle and not to do some 20 questions game because I am not good at that game.  (And yes I do know that animal, vegetable or mineral is usually the first question in that game.)  Take out a puzzle and work on it with your kids.  It may not engage them for more than an hour at a time, but it’s something you can do and come back to later as you have cycled through other things to do in the house.  Try to keep it at your kid’s level, although a little more challenging is not necessarily a bad thing.  My daughter just got excited by learning that with any puzzle that is 500 pieces or more, you should be starting with the edges and then you can fill in the center.  I just don’t recommend any circular puzzles no matter how beautiful they look.  They are scary, and way beyond most child’s capabilities.  Unless you are raising Einstein and then by all means, best wishes.

  

#2  -  Board Games.  Here is something similar to puzzling where you can pull up a chair and a card table for a little while and play a game that is suited to their level.  It’s also something that with a game like Monopoly, you can start, go away from, and come back to as you find other things to do throughout your day.  Monopoly is a good one for this.  I love Risk personally.  Candyland or Chutes and Ladders works for the little ones.  Settlers of Catan can also be a really fun game to do if your kids are up for it.  There is even a Lord of the Rings board game that you play as a team as you try to get the Ring into Mount Doom.   The only dangerous thing about some of the board games is that one person can end up losing while the others continue on.  That can be dangerous because it can lead to those disturbingly quiet situations.  My recommendation is that you make sure you lose first, or you find a way to count up money, troops or whatever so that when someone loses the game ends.

#3  -  Cooking.  If you haven’t already gone to the store to pick up a bunch of groceries to have around the house in order to cook for yourself this might be difficult.  But cooking can be a lot of fun and is a hands on activity.  Kids always love to engage with you on things you enjoy.  Maybe you don’t enjoy cooking.  I think that as long as you make sure you are the one around the stove, you will have a fun activity to occupy your time.  And on a rainy day, you have the easiest and probably best thing to cook where you and your kids can get creative:  Soup!!!  Who doesn’t love soup on a nice cold day?  Older kids cut up the veggies.  Maybe the younger kids make sandwiches.  Let them be experimental for a day.  (I might make them reconsider if they tried to make a peanut butter, jelly, and mustard sandwich.)  Or just be safe and have them make toasted cheese sandwiches.   This does get more difficult the more kids you have, but maybe you portion out the jobs to each child. I’m getting hungry already.



#4  -  Playing hide and seek in the house.  I suppose that this can also be very scary.  The possibility for disturbingly quiet moments are endless.  Obviously, you don’t want your kids getting into dangerous things.  Just establish some ground rules before you begin the game.  No running; limit places that they can hide; limit the amount of time that they can hide; Increase the amount of seconds someone has to count before they can start looking; etc.  It may be difficult to find places to hide inside of an apartment, but you would be surprised at how good your kids can be at hiding from you.

#5  -  The mall game.  I know a bunch of you are looking at your computer screens with a quizzical look on your faces wondering what in the world I am talking about.  I will give a shout out to my ex, her mother and father.  I am not the kind of single dad who pretends that the former family had absolutely no good ideas to their credit.  This was one of theirs.  The rules of the game:  Each person is given a limited amount of money with which to spend.  Everyone goes throughout the mall and spends that money.  They try to get the best deals possible with the limited amount of money that they have.  (You will be surprised how many free things you can get at the mall like food, candy, tea, facials, etc.)   Make up your own prizes that everyone gets to vote on at the end.  Awards usually go for things like most things purchased or received, best individual deal, most items that are the color red, etc.  Make up your own awards for your game.  Announce what the awards will be for and let everyone vote on them when you are finished.  This game might be more fun if you have a few other parents and kids come with you, especially if you are a single parent.

#6  -  Build a fort!  Hey! Building a fort is a classic of indoor fun.  It’s pretending like you are camping inside instead of outside.  And now that everyone is forced to be in doors, be sure to make the fort as elaborate as possible.  I’ve seen some pretty impressive things done in my time.  I wouldn’t suggest attaching anything to a ceiling fan or any other part of electrical equipment.  I don’t care how cool the blanket is when it’s electrified to make the fort warmer or whether it looks cool with some bed sheet being flung across the room by the ceiling fan.  As Nancy Reagan once opined: Just say no!!!

#7  -  Time to form your own family band.  Even if it’s just the two of you, you can form a duo.  Who doesn’t love a good duo?  But what about the noise?  Too loud, you say, on a nice rainy day.  Would you rather have loud or that dangerously quiet moment?  Besides, now the next door neighbors won’t be hearing all that “loud banging” coming from your house and you probably won’t be accused of throwing a house party.  It allows you to do something productive and have fun.  Be inventive in the kinds of instruments you create.  Have them learn whistling or snapping if they haven’t mastered the skill yet. There are all kinds of songs you can practice, or make up a few new ones of your own.  Just have fun with it.

#8  -  Legos.  I know your children have to have Legos around the house somewhere.  Pull those out and get to building something.  It can be as easy as building a set that you haven’t put together yet, or you haven’t put together for a long time, or creating one of your own.  You can build a house or a tall skyscraper as I was always one to do; you can make your own exotic garden of Legos; or you can go in an entirely new direction and do like the Lego movie says and be your own master builder.  Don’t use the crazy glue, unless you really love what you have made.  I know I had friends of mine who engaged with their kids in some pretty incredible engineering projects with Legos.  You want a teachable moment?  Mic dropped!

#9  -  Scavenger/Treasure Hunt.  Have the kids find different items around the house from items on a list.  I wouldn’t recommend having anything too specific because you don’t want your children fighting over the particular items that they are looking for.  Be broad and have them find things that are round, square, or some other shape.  Or have them find their favorite book, or a book they really enjoy.  If you haven’t gotten to engage with them about a lot of things, this is something where the broader the topic in the scavenger hunt, the more likely you are to find something about them that is specific to them.  Maybe they will share a secret with you that they only tell their friends at school.  Whatever happens, it’s a win for you and a win for them.

#10  -  Read a book to them.  It does get a little harder with multiple kids of multiple reading levels, but when it’s dark outside it’s a perfect setting for telling scary stories.  You can turn off all the lights in the house. (Hey!  It’s an excuse to use less electricity.  Reduce that carbon footprint.)  Get out the flashlights.  Prepare the creepy voice.  Turn on the scary background music. And let your children’s imaginations run wild.  It’s a good way to help them enjoy reading.  And it encourages them to read further.  Your child’s imaginations are far better than anything that goes on with a TV screen.  Just make sure that you tell these stories in the middle of the day so your kids get to fill their minds with other things before going to bed unless you want your kids to sleep in the same bed with you at night.  As cute as that is, I prefer my ribs to be in one piece in the morning.

And with that I am done.  But don’t be done thinking of ideas yourself.  I am sure that there are a ton of to do list things out there for kids, and mine is hardly the first.  Although I think number 5 is pretty darned unique.  Thank you Reese family.  Would love to hear about some of the things that you do when you have several days’ worth of weather for which to prepare.  So sit back this weekend, relax, and happy puzzling to all of you.

David Elliott – Single Dad’s Guide to Life

Unfortunate Events - Harris Style

"When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them . . ." Oh that's right!  That's not this post.  Well from here on in you are on your own!

Given some of the extra time I had this weekend I put on a little TV.  And given that it was Friday the 13^th, all kinds of horrific things are possible.  As a result, one TV series caught my eye,  the first season of “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events.”  Based on the book series by Daniel Handler, I mean Lemony Snicket.  Shhh!!! Don’t tell your kids.  The book series is a wonderful tale about the Baudelair children who have their parents die, or so the Baudelairs are lead to believe, in a terrible accident, only to be adopted by the malevolent Count Olaf.  (No Disney did not borrow the name for the snowman in Frozen.  And if they did there is something very twisted about that.  Now that I think of it.  Hmmmmm…..)   Olaf will stop at nothing to inherit the children’s fortune.  From attempting to marry the fourteen year old Violet, to pretending to be a peg legged sea captain with an eye patch, the vastly untalented Olaf bumbles his way through a series of schemes to get the children’s money.  He has so many unfortunate adventures, at times you aren’t sure whether the unfortunate events are his unfortunate events or the children’s.

Bringing this TV series to the small screen did face some challenges.  They had already made a big screen adaptation of the book series with Jim Carrey.  While only covering the first three books in the film, doing a TV show of the book could face heavy criticism in its attempts to try to upstage Jim Carrey.  In his place for the small screen adaptation they brought on Neil Patrick Harris.  While very gifted it was going to be a challenge to get people to accept him in the role of Olaf.  He may not have the presence of Carrey, or the elasticity of face, but he brings on another sort of a presence that Carrey might not have been able to pull off, aside from doing all of the singing in every episode of the titles sequence.  (Do not miss the titles sequence as the songs about the Baudelair children change every single time.)  Harris brings a kind of joy to Olaf that I don’t think we ever really see in the movie version.  Yes his plans are being foiled all of the time, but he is obviously having fun in the process.

Patrick Warburton, the voice of Kronk in the Emperor’s New Groove and David Puddy in a brief role in Seinfeld, plays the aforementioned Lemony Snicket.  While not Jude Law, his grisly voice lends to the foreboding nature of the series as it unfolds.  As an audience we are invited to see things through his perspective.  He is constantly on scene to observe the harrowing adventures of the Baudelair children as they face all of their trials.  I do have one interesting question though.  Frequently all of the children are told something and then a character who is supposed to be an “adult” explains to them the meaning of those phrases.  With almost unanimity the children repeat that they already understand whatever the meaning of that phrase is.  Lemony Snicket, as an author who inserts himself into his story, frequently explains those phrases to his audience reading, or in this case watching, the series unfold.  All of these adults cannot see Count Olaf through all of his disguises.  Yes, Olaf does appeal to their own vanity in some way.  But they do not recognize Count Olaf for who he is until it is too late.  This makes all of these adults out to be foolish in some way.  If Lemony Snicket treats his audience the same way as all of these adult characters treat the Baudelairs, does this make him an unreliable narrator?  Just something to ponder.

The Baudelair children are played quite effectively by Malina Weissman(Violet), Louis Hynes(Klaus) and Presley Smith(Sunny).  I know I need to admit this up front, but my 10 year old daughter did attempt to try out for the role of these kids.  She was too young for Violet, and too old for Sunny, obviously.   And unless they were going to go far afield with this series, she was not going to get the role of Klaus.  Admittedly, as the Baudelair children, they are mostly reacting to whatever circumstances their impossible situations place them in, but they do an appropriate job of seeming shocked and dismayed by everything that is going on around them.  In fact, they are the only ones acting like normal human beings.  Could all of these zombified adults really be aliens?  I supposed you will need to read the books or watch the series of find out.  Maybe I am being a boy, but I especially appreciate Louis Hynes portrayal of Klaus, as the intelligent brother who is gifted and yet appreciative of others gifts around him.  He could let this character become over the top, and yet he does not. 

What will you or your children think of it?  I suppose that this is the most important question here.  I think there are a lot of ways to appreciate this series.  Kids appreciate a good story, well told.  Slightly older teens may feel like the author is always talking down to them, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing here as it invites you to relate to the Baudelair children all the more.  In a world that seems to not want to trust them at every turn, teens can identify.  As an adult it is much like the cartoons of yesteryear.  It is stock full of references that the parents can appreciate, that might escape the eyes of the unassuming child.  As a parent, it is the perfect opportunity to help your children to understand different idioms and what they mean.  As a former English teacher I am always appreciative of anything that helps kids to have a better understanding of reading.  Finally, someone who is constantly concerned with the state of reading, the fact that it has inspired my child to pick up a book rather than a graphic novel makes me very heartened.  (This isn’t to say I don’t love a good graphic novel.)

Barry Sonnenfeld helps bring the work to the small screen on Netflix and is one of the lead directors.  It may be far afield of Men in Black, Get Shorty and The Addams Family that he directed on the big screen.  But as the medium of Television seems to be rapidly changing, attempting to compete with the big screen visuals, this Series of Unfortunate Events is a series of beautiful images well told on a screen.  It at once moves from something like Tim Burton’s suburbia in Edward Scissorhands to a story told in the shadows like classic film noir.  There is a bit of irony in the creation of this series as well.  The real author, Daniel Handler, is quite involved in the project as one of the main writers, not unlike the author “character” of Lemony Snicket himself.  The first season has some interesting guest appearances by Alfre Woodard and Don Johnson.

It is definitely worth a watch.

The Switch - Parental Weekend Swap

As many of you know, being a single parent, if you are going to do it right, comes with a lot of tradeoffs. Kids frequently react negatively to these trade offs because they upset their expectations about what they are going to do. It certainly makes them have to contend with whatever the other parent is going to do. And they can worry that sometimes that you do not care about them when you switch. They feel like you are pawning them off on the other parent. That couldn't be further from the truth.

The irony here is that in some ways it feels like your life is being upset by the change much more than the child.  I don't know about you but I plan my life out around my daughter. I try to make sure I am completely available for the time that I do have with her.  I don't want to miss any of those big moments. So when then inevitable time to trade time does come, it feels empty. You know that first weekend after you have split from your ex and they have the child instead of you.   Everything at that moment seems to stop. I know depression is probably a component of this but it's also like hitting a brick wall.  Your inertia has carried you into this moment. You played games, or watched movies, or made dinner and now you are responsible for nothing. Everything stops.

Once upon a time you were good at planning these open weekends. In fact, before you were married you couldn't wait for them because you had the whole world in front of you with endless possibilities.  Sure a few of these possibilities have diminished since you were a child. No, you are not going to star in that big movie. You are probably not going to pitch game seven of the World Series. And you definitely are not going to hike Mount Everest. Maybe you will hike Mount Wilson, Big bear, tackle that mountain of laundry . . . But you still have plenty of things that you can do.

Yes things did stop the moment you hit that brick wall. And if you do nothing you may be stuck in that rut for a very long time. Your motion has changed and now you have to do something about it.  Yes, you have to figure out those things that make you who you are.  I don't know about everyone but I'm sure a lot of people lose themselves inside of their marriages. They abandon everything they are into, committing everything to this entity that they hope will last them a lifetime. And then the moment it comes crashing down they feel a bit lost.

For a person in my situation, the losing of one's self gets exacerbated when you are dealing with mental illness. (This is not to say I don't have my own faults for the marriage failing, I will cover those in a later post.)  What it is saying is that dealing with this illness can drag you down a rabbit hole where you do not know where you are. Friendships, connections, hobbies, passions and many other things get lost along the way because you are trying many moments just to survive.

So when I hit that moment of separation I didn't feel like I had a clue who I was.  I did a lot just to survive my situation. But I had no clue how to thrive. I had to become fully me again. I had to find my own voice.  I do believe this blog is part of that process, but I also think going out and making connections and finding things that I love is also part of this process.  It means no longer staring at life from the sidelines and getting out and actually playing.

So what is good for a single parent to do with a ton of time and not sure what to do with it?  If I just get lost in my parent duties it's ignoring a huge opportunity for growth. I could do cleaning but for me I have to change it up. I need to clean while listening to some classical music. Or in my case I put on some John Williams and let it not only inspire movement but take me back to other days where life was carefree, or at least the worries of the world were not my concern.

But you can't just sit at home and find yourself. You have to find a way to go out.  And going to bars is just not my scene. So first think about the things that recharge your energy. What makes you feel like the world is full of possibilities? For me it's being around people.  This means going out to a park, or the beach, or even an amusement park just to let myself go and see people around me being happy.

Then it gets to be about beauty. Where do I find beauty in the world?  A hike in the mountains, listening to the waves crash against the shore at the beach, and an art museum or gardens beautifully kept and pristine can all accomplish that for me.

And finally reconnect with a friend or two.  It might not be an easy one. Maybe a relationship has slipped into appreciation at a distance. Ah the bane of Facebook!!! So send a friend or two a line letting them know how much you have missed their friendship. It may take a while to get back into the groove. But you can't just sit there any longer while your life is in neutral. You gotta live!

And here I am on the precipice of another one of those trading weekends. Now what to do with myself??? Ah yeah... I remember. Now you do it too.

David Elliott, Single Dads Guide to Life

The Weekday Parent Date

Well, a Wednesday has come and gone and another day of the weekend parent date with the child.  I know many of you have all different days that this date occurs, but for me it is on a Wednesday.  And unfortunately, with barely two hours to be able to do everything I want to with my daughter, this often leads to doing a meal.  I suppose there are some of you out there who are content doing the same thing every week, but I love to give different types of experiences to my daughter.  I was a child who hated doing everything the same all the time and wanted to try something different.  And so I didn't want to end up at the same place every week with my child.

This weeks Wednesday journey took me to the Mongolian Bar-B-Que Pan Asia on 17th Street in Newport beach.  It does look a little odd in the way that it's situated in a strip mall but it does give that old world feeling the moment you step in the restaurant.  They give you water and free green tea the minute you sit down and then a menu.  Just don't expect all you can drink items other than this on the menu.

It's not that there is a lot of variant on the menu itself.  You can add egg rolls, soup, pot stickers, fried won-tons and a plethora of other amenities to the dish, but primarily you are there for the BBQ.  Whether you want all you can eat, or you want just a one time serving, they give you the choice of various different frozen meats.  They sit a little large in the bowl so I suggest if you want more veggies in your BBQ that you take the green tea that they gave you and use it to smash the meat down in order to get more in your BBQ.  Then you go to the counter and really get your variety of onions, peppers, cabbage, corn, pineapple, cilantro, sprouts, etc.  This is where you get to choose everything that marinates on the flat BBQ plate that they fry it up on.

Finally you get to decide what kinds of spices you are going to put on the BBQ.  These can include red pepper spice, lobster, bbq sauce and various spice levels that they have as accents.  Finally you can decide whether you want a dash of garlic powder or sesame seeds to go with it.  Now you get to watch them go into action with a flat board moving it across the hot almost wok like cooking surface.  Once they dish it off into your bowl you take it back to your table and they serve it with rice and bread pockets.  Don't forget to read your fortune cookies.

As you are looking for places that you can experience and not just sit down and have a meal, this is a fun place to take your children and give them the opportunity to experience something a little different, Pan-Asian style.

Beginnings

I am sure that there are a ton of blogs out there focusing on the single parent.  And while I know many many blogs that deal with single parenting from a mother's perspective, I figured dad's needed to get in on the act too.  This isn't to say that I am going to be copying what went on with all of the other mom blogs out there.  I think they have their own niche, and I congratulate them for being innovators on the net.  I am not them.

But I am still a single parent, and there is a challenging issue in single parenthood for fathers.  We often get shortchanged in the amount of time that we get with our children.  We have to balance work and life issues because many of us have been the primary breadwinners in the family and now we are working for money that we now have little control over.  We have to balance our ideas about how to connect with our children with school and activities that the children need to be a part of, with the less time that we have.  And these are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to issues with children. 

I am going to state that I have a different perspective in many issues because I am a dad of a girl, and obviously the situations to everyone becoming a single dad vary, just as they do for becoming a single mom.  And some single dad's out there are full time dad's and take care of the kids all by themselves.  Just as for the single mom's, I solute you for doing so.  You amaze me and I can only imagine how difficult that must get to make money, have a career, and raise kids all at the same time, without going crazy.

I am sure you are going to learn more about me all along the way, but I figure that this is a good start, and I look forward to sharing things and my perspective about what it is like to be a single dad.  And if you are interested in movies, and who isn't, feel free to look me up at The Toasty Critic for my other blog and see my perspectives on movies.

Just one last thing of note.  For all the single dad's that are out there.  You are not alone.  There are other people going through the same crap.  I suppose we could say that about just about anybody.  But I know that from a dad's perspective, we frequently feel like we are not listened to.  This could be the courts, our ex's, our children, our bosses, or just about anyone else out there.  I don't want you to feel ignored any longer.

And I will always look forward to your input.  Just don't abuse the privilege.

D